Blood and Mud

Kept prisoner by Mickey & Friends

I am afraid updates will be a little on the slow side this week as I have to go to Disneyland Paris.

"The kids will love it, The kids will love it". Repeat until you no longer wish to kill yourself, Lee.

RBS 6 Nations Preview: France vs Italy, Stade de France, Sunday 14:30

Mathieu Bastareaud is not playing.

This will not make a difference.

France are going to win by shitloads.

Thankyou.

RBS 6 Nations Preview: Scotland vs England, Murrayfield, Sat 17:00

We've already talked about this game a bit, but I want to reiterate just how fuck-awful the England pack selection is.  Faced with perhaps the tournament's most dynamic back-row - the fabulously monikered "Killer Bs" of Brown, Beattie and Barclay - Johnson has picked Joe "Can Tackle, Won't Pass" Worsley.  It's not that Big Joe is the worst back-row player in the world (that's Johnny O'Connor), more that he is a six playing at seven for a start, and his skillset is more limited than a one-legged unicyclist.   Louis Deacon is simply a 6'6" high, man-shaped pile of particularly cumbersome SHIT.  As you can see, I'm starting to lose my normally relatively reasonable disposition.

Scotland have been forced to have a fully reshuffled backline after Thom Evans' neck/back-knack and it is hard to see where the cutting edge is coming from - their perennial problem.  It may very well be supplied  their pacey and rangey forwards and that back-row could take the game away from England, and I fully expect Euan Murray to turn Tim Payne into mincemeat. 

Having said all that, the likelihood of a severe lack of tries means this could be a place-kicking competition and England still have Jonny and Scotland don't have Paterson.  This will perhaps be the deciding factor in a game I expect to be extremely depressing.

B&M Prediction: One team will get more penalties than the other. I cannot bring myself to care which one.

Spotter's Badge: Nick Easter picks up from the scrum and does that pointless, one-handed flick pass to Danny Care who then runs round and round in circles like some brainless ADHD child who has been mainlining Lucozade, utterly confusing his team-mates who have no idea if and when he is likely to pass before aimlessly chipping ahead.  Joe Worsley then tackles the posts.

TEAMS

Scotland: H Southwell (Stade Francais); S Lamont (Scarlets), N De Luca (Edinburgh), G Morrison (Glasgow), M Evans (Glasgow); D Parks (Glasgow), C Cusiter (Glasgow, capt); A Jacobsen (Edinburgh), R Ford (Edinburgh), E Murray (Northampton); J Hamilton (Edinburgh), A Kellock (Glasgow); K Brown (Glasgow), J Barclay (Glasgow), J Beattie (Glasgow)

Replacements: S Lawson (Gloucester), G Cross (Edinburgh), N Hines (Leinster), A MacDonald (Edinburgh), R Lawson (Gloucester), P Godman (Edinburgh), S Danielli (Ulster)

England: D Armitage (London Irish); M Cueto (Sale), M Tait (Sale), R Flutey (Brive), U Monye (Harlequins); J Wilkinson (Toulon), D Care (Harlequins); T Payne (Wasps), D Hartley (Northampton), D Cole (Leicester); L Deacon (Leicester), S Borthwick (Saracens, captain); J Haskell (Stade Francais), J Worsley (Wasps), N Easter (Harlequins).

Replacements: S Thompson (Brive), D Wilson (Bath), C Lawes (Northampton), L Moody (Leicester), B Youngs (Leicester), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton)

Referee: Marius Jonker (SA)

RBS 6 Nations Preview: Ireland vs Wales, Croke Park, Sat 14.30

Two teams who have largely failed to perform to anything like their potential will intertwine in Dublin on Saturday, both with their own issues. 

Ireland will hope that they can remove their sporadic cutting edge from its sheath a bit more often, as the 3:3 chances to tries ratio they managed against England will not happen in every match.  They have stuck with Geordan Murphy at full-back after they handed England's arses to them in a very lo-fi yet comprehensive win a couple of weeks back. 

Wales simply need their players to stop having collective amnesia of what rugby is and how to play it in the first forty minutes of a match, and they have given themselves the best chance of doing this with their team selection.  The godsend of an injury to Ryan Jones - whose shocking form was illustrated by him going from 20-yard-run-up full-tilt to flat on his arse in the space of 0.02 metres when tackled vs France - has meant that Gareth "Gloucester Saviour" Delve finally starts.  This selection, along with the impressive looking B Davies-Charteris boilerhouse gives their forward effort much more grunt.  Really good to see Ian Gough back on the bench as well, often the unsung hero of many Welsh triumphs in the recent past.

I expect this to be a corker, but I have to fancy Ireland at home - although not by much.

B&M Predicition: Ireland by 5

Spotter's Badge: Continuing his tournament theme of inappropriate off-mic bias, Jonathan Davies clearly screams, "Windpipe the Irish bastard!"  in the background when Jamie Heaslip breaks the line and bears down on Lee Byrne

TEAMS

Wales: L Byrne (Ospreys); L Halfpenny (Cardiff Blues), J Hook (Ospreys) J Roberts (Cardiff Blues), S Williams (Ospreys); S Jones (Scarlets), R Rees (Cardiff Blues); P James (Ospreys), M Rees (Scarlets), A Jones (Ospreys), B Davies (Cardiff Blues), L Charteris (Newport Gwent Dragons), J Thomas (Ospreys), M Williams (Cardiff Blues, capt), G Delve (Gloucester)

Replacements: H Bennett (Ospreys), R Gill (Saracens), I Gough (Ospreys), S Warburton (Cardiff Blues), D Peel (Sale), A Bishop (Ospreys), T Shanklin (Cardiff Blues)

Ireland: G Murphy (Leicester); T Bowe (Ospreys), B O'Driscoll (Leinster, capt), G D'Arcy (Leinster), K Earls (Munster); J Sexton (Leinster), T O'Leary (Munster); C Healy (Leinster), R Best (Ulster), J Hayes (Munster), D O'Callaghan (Munster), P O'Connell (Munster), S Ferris (Ulster), D Wallace (Munster), J Heaslip (Leinster)

Replacements: S Cronin (Connacht), T Buckley (Munster), L Cullen (Leinster), S Jennings (Leinster), E Reddan (Leinster), R O'Gara (Munster), R Kearney (Leinster)

Referee: Craig "No Relation To Andre" Joubert (SA)

Stephen Berkoff does Al Pacino's 'inches' speech, but about rugby

I've only just found this, and I have to say it is one of the most bizaare things I have seen since Kenny Rogers sang The Gambler in an England shirt before the France game at RWC 2007  Using the famous inches speech from Any Given Sunday in relation to rugby is not such a bad idea, but employing arch-luvvie Berkoff to read it almost comes across as a parody akin to Danny DeVito having a go at  Keith Wood's "let's box clever" pre-match spiel from Living With Lions. 

For those who fancy it, the Pacino original is after the jump.

Continue reading "Stephen Berkoff does Al Pacino's 'inches' speech, but about rugby"

The answer to the England forwards malaise

Is, incredibly, Joe Worsley and Louis Deacon.

Worsley, remember, didn't start a game for two years between 2007 and Wales in last year's Six Nations, where he was brought in with the expressed instruction to tackle Jamie Roberts a lot.  Admittedly he did this pretty well, but being able to tackle a bloke is surely a basic skill every pro should be able to execute, and beyond this I fail to see what additional dimension he brings as a breakaway.  Moody, for all his faults, at least has pace and mobility.

The selection of Deacon ahead of Lawes is inexplicable. The Leicester man is ponderous in contact, an abysmal ball-carrier, and he has not even been winning lineout ball consistently either.  Him and Borthwick are perhaps the least intimidating pairing since Philip Schofield & Fern Britton.

Given how poor the forwards are likely to be again, debating the backs selection is as pointless as attempting to figure out which Coldplay song you hate least, but the lack of Ben Foden is a complete shocker given he made more impact in 20 minutes than Armitage has managed in all his time since his return from injury. 

As a Welsh aside, does anyone else think that, given his minging form, the management are secretly pleased that Ryan Jones is injured and thus they can bring in Gareth Delve, who has almost single-handedly dragged Glaws into some decent form.

The Rugby Lexicon is back!

It's been a while, so let's dip into the game's greatest unwritten book for more definition-based piss taking.

martinjohnson (n) - a failure after great success.  "Despite The Second Coming being a complete martinjohnson, The Stone Roses' did manage to secure their reputiation due to their eponymous first album."  From, Loads of Dead Good Albums You Should Listen To, by Stuart Maconie

johnhayes (v) to have a long career, despite the person's obvious limitations "She may have had a stupid accent, ginger hair, a crap singing voice and massive teeth, but none of these things prevented Cilla Black from johnhayesing for almost fifty-years in showbusiness"  Michael Aspel on Cilla's This Is Your Life

wales (v) to start slowly, ineffectually "I know he's renowned as a top author, but most of Stephen King's books really wales for the first ten chapters, particularly The Tommyknockers - and don't even get me started on The Stand"  'The Book Club', Radio 4, August 1994   

haskell (n) an argument over something of very little importance "Whether John Terry should be England captain or not is a haskell compared to whether or not he should have cut his hair into that stupid mohawk." Fabio Capello, FA press conference.

haskell (v) to inflate one's own importance "Many players are gettting a bit fed up of Lawrence Dallaglio's haskelling in the press, given his form does not warrant a recall." A source in the England camp in the run-up to RWC 2007

Stade accuse England of possibly breaching Article 5 of the European Convention on Human Rights

Well, sort of.

I know what you're thinking, "I didn't know the ECHR mentioned being forced to watch crap rugby", and although England's play could come under the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment for the viewing public, that is not what we are talking about.  No, this is about the increasingly hysterical situation with James "James Haskell" Haskell.

Stade mouthpiece Max Guazzini has stated that the RFU is "keeping Haskell prisoner" and he has asked the Six Nations committee to punish them.  Surely the Stade owner is setting his sights too low with the Six Nations commitee, when the European Court in Strasbourg (right) could be the way forward? 

Article 5 of the ECHR states that everyone has a right to liberty, thus only by a correct legal authorisation procedure can you deprive a person of their liberty.  Guazzini could argue, as in Ashingdane vs UK (ECHR, 1985), that Haskell is under such close supervision and control in the England camp that he is effectively deprived of his liberty; or as in Guzzardi vs Italy (1980) that his confinement to a specific area, i.e. Pennyhill Park, is tantamount to a deprivation. 

The problem with this is that, should Mad Max win, and Haskell is returned to Stade, then England could start the whole procedure again accusing the French team of the same.

Some of you may think this an over-reaction, but judging by the media coverage, and the behaviour of all the parties involved, this is a case of grave seriousness that must be treated accordingly.  In no way is it a pointless flexing of egos over a player who is a little bit on the shit side.  No.  No way.

Rugby and human rights law, a heady cocktail you will only find on this blog.

Get your Chargy Bargy on and win some top prizes with O2

You should all recall the people at O2 have bringing us Chargy Bargy, a cracker of a game where you have to catch the ball and leg it as fast as you can while running into as many things as you can.  Be careful to avoid the big New Zealand forwards, though, as they kill you to death, as Mickey once told Rocky..

There are still a few weeks of the competition left, and you can still win Nintendo Wiis, Blu-ray DVD players and LCD TVs.  

What’s more, four lucky winners picked at random from all O2 customers who’ve entered the competition will snatch VIP tickets to the Emirates Airline London Sevens at Twickenham for themselves and three friends. 

Get playing, you have nothing to lose but your main source of income if caught by your boss. 

For some reason people are arguing over James Haskell

Anonymous England back-row James Haskell is being told to return to his club, and they will not take non for an answer.

There is much lawyer and agent bitching going on about what his England release agreement says, but perhaps the most terrifying comment has come from the player's agent. "James will be as available for England duty as often as any player based in the Premiership.". Shiver.

England should want him to go back, as it might be an opportunity for him to remember how to play rugby again. Clue; it involves holding the ball and running in the shortest route to the opposition. Fast.

If any of you fancy braving the late Edinburgh winter, you can still get tickets for Scotland vs England here, and also for France vs England here.